Technically, it’s just under six years since this photo was taken. Steve and I will be married for six years on Friday (6 more days) and I really miss these two people.

Let me explain briefly.

Exactly six months after our wedding, tragedy struck and took Steve’s 28-year-old younger brother suddenly. It was a stroke and immediate death according to the coroner’s office.

But all I remember is the conversation Mark and I had about two months before this picture. And how for the first time since we started dating, I felt I had a little brother as he finally let down his smart ass armor and shared a part of his heart. That conversation is forever emblazoned in my mind much like the hope I had for our marriage the day this photo was taken.

As we approach our six-year anniversary I have a lot to be grateful for. A loving home, two beautiful and healthy kids, a comfortable living and family, friends and neighbors you dream about. To the outside, we have it all. And it’s never lost on me how insanely lucky we are. I am so grateful for my life, my family, and my health.

And yet…

Grief is unlike anything I’ve experienced before. It’s grabbed ahold of my husband and turned into a cloud of depression that tricks you into thinking everything is ok. How can I feel this way when it wasn’t my brother who lost his life? How can I expect anything of my dear husband after losing his sibling? How dare I get angry or resentful for his lack of happiness when he never chose to have this happen?

The truth is… I lost something else that day in April exactly six months after this photo was taken. I lost my husband.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we navigate what’s next. We want our children to know only love and live in a home overflowing with joy, laughter and kindness.

We have work to do — on ourselves and in our marriage — and I don’t know what that means for the near future or years from now.

But I do know that we love each other and we love what we’ve built this far, so hopefully that’s enough to spark the change we need.